Review: Upland Teddy Bear Kisses

In Beer Reviews by The Guys

Upland says:

“A dark and robust beer brewed in the traditional stout method. Teddy Bear Kisses features an abundance of dark malts and high alpha hops for a powerful impact of roast, chocolate, and sweet bitterness. The lucky few who cuddle up to a warming session with Teddy Bear Kisses sense the velvety malt character, balanced bitter intensity, and soothing chocolate notes created by long aging on fair trade cocoa nibs. Teddy Bear Kisses will make you feel warm and happy inside, but it’s definitely not your childhood cuddle toy.”

TBK-BCBS-BDCS4

Upland Teddy Bear Kisses
Russian Imperial Stout, 10.2% ABV

Karl: I think we can all agree on this: If there were an award for “creepiest beer name,” Teddy Bear Kisses would win hands down. Something about that imagery is just…well, odd. I’m sure the brewers didn’t have Pedobear in mind when they came up with the name for this beer, but what are the chances that calling it “I Have Candy In My Van” also made the short list?

(Note to self: Pitch Clown Shoes on brewing “I Have Candy In My Van”. Don’t know why that seems to make sense, but it kinda does.)

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Anyways.

Promise me an Russian imperial stout made with cocoa nibs and I have certain expectations. You can almost already taste it, right? And it tastes good? Like a big heavy down comforter of taste, blanketing everything with cushy cocoa flavors and a thick dose of malt and maybe some bourbon.

If you then provide a beer that’s sparkling, bitter, light and cocoa-free, I’m either going to think that something’s gone terribly wrong or that someone switched the labels on us. Because seriously, WTF.

Teddy bears are supposed to be friendly, calming, reassuring, and provide security. The Teddy Bear Kisses, on the other hand, provided just some off-flavor funky bitterness, zero calm, no reassurance, zero roasted flavors, and maybe – maybe –  a suggestion of cocoa on the nose.

Maybe I’m the weird one. Maybe I just didn’t get it. Maybe it’s supposed to be weird and creepy. Maybe it’s supposed to be some sort of expectation-creating-and-then-defying joke. If so, I guess…nice job, guys?

Ryan: Seconded on the creepiness of the name and label. In fact, when I snagged this from a bottle shop in South Bend, IN I immediately texted a picture to Karl and Andrew – in part because I was excited I found it – but also to alert them of the overall creepiness of this beer.

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TBK-BCBS-BDCS6But, Karl, I will not join in your claims of “Stranger Danger” over what was a perceived lack of cocoa to this beer.

Sure, I wasn’t bowled over by chocolate…anything. But I did appreciate some of the other unique aromas and flavors that accompanied this beer.

For instance, right off the bat I picked up a hint of dark chocolate on the nose – which I hoped for and expected. What I did not anticipate, though, were the aromas that followed; including banana bread and butterscotch. It smelled like a plate of cobbled together desserts from an all-you-can-eat buffet that’s closing in 10 minutes.

Take a sip and you’ll find a VERY dry beer that is dominated, up front at least, by cocoa powder. But, that’s about the only chocolate you’ll get. It’s then up followed by a touch of mint or menthol – finished off by some grassy hops.

Was this an utter disappointment? Nope. Did I hope for a little more cocoa? Sure. Did I have to face the bottle the other direction so the Teddy Bear wasn’t facing me? Yup.

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Andrew: No sir, I did not like this. As with Karl, I had certain expectations heading into this one and, well, it didn’t deliver at all.

So there was some cocoa…some, but not enough. In fact I noticed more hints of butterscotch and maybe some banana (wtf?) with not much imperial stout-y booze or heat at all. Oh, and this was an incredibly dry beer, like, “take a sip of the beer and immediately grab for some water” dry.

Not a fan, boys, but maybe I was supposed to get the same reaction from drinking the beer that I had from looking at the label?

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Written by many, compiled by one, this is a collaborative post with contributions from at least two writers at Guys Drinking Beer.

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